I am so afraid right now.
Really, everyone else is pretty much chilling out except me. Probably because they gave their "best" for all 4 years in school while I didn't? Sigh.
I guess I'm just gonna have to accept the fact that I got screwed hard by the English paper and again during the Math paper where I left two major questions entirely blank.
But I know that I did my very best (sort of) for the Math paper and I wasted away the Humanities papers (both of them) by itself through paying minimal attention to it.
(there is still hope for math but humanities is definitely a sure-fail, period)


It's all mixed feelings right now.
I'm anxious, nervous, excited, and fearful.
It's one of the most unhealthiest combinations in the most dangerously concentrated doses I've ever had in my entire life... literally.
They say too much of this isn't good for you. But what the heck. It's not like I can control it.

How do I put this in words...

I want to know how well (or horribly, rather) I performed, but at the same time I'd prefer to not know that I had failed myself, my family, my friends, and possibly my dreams.
For the entire day, all that has been going through my mind is 'O' levels, past memories, 'O' levels, the possible career opportunities for me, 'O' levels, my deteriorating health, 'O' levels, hopelessness...
Oh, the suspense is killing me.


At this point I just want to know whether I failed and forfeited the competition, or have the potential to stay in the game and push further.
Really, if I failed, I'm out of the competition with my smart-ass cousins. If I succeed, I may actually carry the potential to continue competing with them.
While it would be a relief to have the burden taken off my back, I'd also feel really horrible because I know that I could've done better than that.
I don't deserve to be in my dad's bloodline. I'm not as smart and hardworking as they are.
Yes I admit, I've been lazy. I AM LAZY. Lazy-ass Fifi.


I've even tried putting my mind in enjoying a game of Granado Espada (hence my absence these past few days/week), but at this point in time even that isn't enough to soothe my tattered heart's condition.
Even binging doesn't really work anymore. I've lost my appetite already.
Zairul tried to pull me into smoking (hahaha you ass), but no there are better ways to die than through smoking. And as if I don't look ugly enough. I wouldn't wanna spoil my looks any further. It's definitely a no-no. People who smoke because of stress are stupid.
(no offence zairul, you smoke because you like it)
If you want me to describe how I feel like inside, I can say that the sensation is like someone ripping out my innards into shreds, and then putting it back together only to repeat the process again and again.
I feel so vulnerable right now, had a total of three emotional breakdowns throughout the day.
I had never ever thought I was capable of unleashing these emotions under such instances.
Why didn't a similar scenario take place during PSLE? Because I didn't take it seriously and now I am? Gee, the irony.
So I guess that for now, the only ideal approach is to pray hard.


Someone... please take this new breed of stress away.
Hoes, friends and family, thanks for the moral support you've given me.
I really needed that a lot. Thanks to everyone who prayed for my success.
May your souls be protected by the mercy of the Most Benevolent and the angels who serve him.