It seems that, once again, God has altered fate as it has for me.
Looks like from where it's going right now, I won't be able to pursue a career in Media.
Instead, it's more of me picking up one of my discarded childhood dreams from the old recycle bin and fixing it up now. Really? I never would've thought things would turn out like this.


Back during the days, when we were still young kids, dumb and naive, I kept a dream. A dream amongst many other dreams, I never thought this would be one I would ultimately get.
Now that my fate is set, it seems that the only way I will survive in this world is to give my all and live this long-forgotten dream.
To be a well-renowned Interior Designer and Wedding Planner.


What a pity though. Such a design-based course takes no heed to my linguistic skills. Then again, there are always CCAs to polish and showcase these supposedly "unwanted" feats.
And on a positive note, at least I need not travel to and fro from Pasir Ris all the way to Ngee Ann Polytechnic in Clementi every single day. That saves me the trouble of waking up early, sacrificing CCA experiences due to time constraints and also the amount of time wasted each day which could be used to do much more constructive activities.
Yup. And I sure as hell am certain that along the way, I can finally brush up my underutilized Artistic streaks and at the same time, obtain skills in home design.


Friends, I have already made up my mind. All of you may have looked at me once like all I was interested in was Media, the Publicity and all. You're right about that to a certain extent. I do like all that shit but I'm not just confined to those.
What you all don't see is that I foster secret ambitions to pursue much more greater things. I remained constrained to pursuing Media and Media ONLY because above all, I thought it had been the most attainable, the most sensible and most importantly, the most beneficial.


You don't know how I am subject to a diverse range of ambitions; as virtually impossible as becoming a doctor to becoming an artist. Really, there are a lot of things, perhaps millions of them, that I want to do in this world.
This further hardens the decisions I make. It's always in the mindset of "I want to do this, but I still want to do that... And this too!". But then again, never mind all that.
I guess that right now, at this point in time, there isn't any time for regret and disappointment any more. God has set me on my destined path. I shall have to accept fate as it is.
Alhamdulillah, thanks to him, I wouldn't have gotten this far.


Even though I'm not able to utilize and showcase my dual forte here, it is already good to be able to at least apply one of them in this field of excellence. And yes, I'm being very optimistic towards things as they are now.
Like what Hidayat mentioned in our short but brief conversation,

"Life's a shit sandwich, and everyone's got to take a bite even if just once."

Make the best out of what you've got, let passion motivate you and success inspire you. In the end, I guess shifting all this Media shiz aside is pretty worth it.
That doesn't mean I'm discarding them forever, though. I'll retrieve it back when the time is right. I still believe that even though my ambitions are distance apart, I will find a way to balance out how I want to live life.

"Complacency is always the enemy"

Yours truly,
your neighbourhood Wedding Planner/Media Enthusiast:

Firdaus Eden


p/s watching PCK to sublimate all my frustrations, the Rosie fart scenes are really ftw. Hahahaha this kept me entertained and distracted amidst all the devastation.

Hello, my darling hores.
You may be wondering why I have been absent a lot lately.
No, it's not because of Granado Espada (though that may be a valid reason somewhat).
I've landed a job at...
SHOP N SAVE (!!!)


Usually I wouldn't even mention something like this because it's very degrading for me but um, I guess that pretty much everyone I know knows about it.
Even Mr Roger Lim wtf? He asked me about it when I returned to school to grab my recommendation letter from Mdm Rohanah. And he wouldn't tell me how he knows.
Probable Speculation: Mr Jawahir saw me there and told everyone about it. Either that, or Jolly Roger personally saw me working there. But let's just skip that for now.
Okay first off, let me share my personal working experiences there at Shop 'N' Save.
NOTE: I'm not gonna tell you where though, or else you may end up provoking me like Khai did on my first day, god I totally regretted that moment -.-


My agency, TBC HR Consulting, sent me to work there under the Groceries department.
Groceries, meaning your toiletries, canned food, snacks etc.
Unfortunately, during my arrival, they stationed me at the F&V (Fruits and Vegetables) department! At first, I was damn miffed because I hated vegetables.
Trust me, I couldn't tell the difference between a sweet potato and ginger AND also between cabbage and cauliflower. Like, I don't eat those things. And I don't plan to either. Whatevs.
The first time I was stationed there, I guess I was pretty much ridiculed repeatedly by my superiors (not intentionally) for knowing little about these things.
On a positive note, this relatively new exposure does give me knowledge and experience in the vegetables corner. For example, what they are called, how to check whether or not they are fresh/bad and the different types/categories.
I like Maggie, Nancy and unnamed auntie (my superiors). They're so nice, they pardoned my mistakes because I was still a newbie and were really friendly!


And mind you, I've a hell's load of mean things to say right now, but let's just reserve it for later after my contract ends. I wouldn't want to risk termination, especially after working for 5 long days already.
At first, I dreaded going to work and contemplated on lodging a complaint to the agency for a breach of contract (because had i seen 'f&v' instead of 'groceries' stated in the contract, i might have not agreed to it).
But then I decided to give things a try and now, I guess it's pretty much working out.
My duties at the F&V counter are to help pack and arrange the fruits and vegetables, attend to customers needs and to carry the stocks from the cargo hold.
It may seem easy for all of you (like i did before), but trust me: my arms are aching.
Nevertheless, I'm kind of enjoying the job. Thanks to all this exposure, I get to know the different types of fruits I never thought ever existed! Hahaha.


However, the challenging part is the arranging of stocks and the memorizing of item codes.
You know like, when you (or your mom, let's say), want to purchase a certain vegetable (for instance, bean sprouts aka "taugeh"). She'll pack how much she wants in a plastic bag, and bring it over to the counter to weigh and price.
Yeah, part of my duty is to man that counter and entertain your mom. Ok that sounds wrong on so many levels but you get what I mean right? :l
There are MANY DIFFERENT kinds of fruits and vegetables, and each one of them have special codes that we are expected to memorize (even i, as a temporary employee have to do it).
I do remember the more common ones like:

Tomato - 173
Cucumber - 484
Sweet Potato - 838

Ginger - 1082
Banana (Phillipines) - 346

As far as I know, those few are the only ones I've got at the back of my head. I've still yet to get used to the rest.
Yeah, unfortunately I have to handle pork as well. It's not so common for people to buy it and come over to weigh them but there are such instances that take place.
And luckily for me, I'm kind of excused from remembering the codes because like I said, such occurences are pretty rare. Even my superiors have to refer to the sheet most of the time!
One woman actually came by and waited for my superior to return in fear of offending me.
And I thought that was really considerate of her! Those are the kind of customers I love and wouldn't mind serving. Hahah.


So as for the more negative experiences, let me give all of you guidelines on what NOT to do in the supermarket that can potential piss the employees off:
1) Do NOT ask us dumb irrelevant questions like "This banana grow from which farm ah? Under what conditions and where is the main plantation place located at?". Seriously, who effing cares. Bananas are bananas. You eat them, they become shit. That's final.
2) Do NOT ask us the location of certain things when you JUST stepped into the department. Sheesh, have the courtesy and effort to look for them yourselves first can?
3) Do at least say THANK YOU or at least SMILE. If you sour pussy-faced customers expect and emphasize so much on "QUALITY CUSTOMER SERVICE", please have the kindness to at least reciprocate/initiate it first. Capiche?
4) Do NOT disarrange our neat fruit masterpieces unnecessarily. If you don't wanna buy them, THEN DON'T TOUCH THEM. It wasn't easy stacking those fruits nicely. Sadly some customers think that it's a fun game of Jenga -.-

Guys, thanks for everything. Really.
To those who gave me the motivation and encouragement to study, the will and tenacity to pursue my dreams in life and those who never gave up on me no matter what the odds.
Thanks for all the support, the consolation, the love and understanding all of you have given me. Furthermore, at a crucial and emotionally unstable time like this, it had really helped a lot.

For that, once I again, I would like to thank you.

But more importantly, I would like to thank the special people who've really made impacts to my academical performance and maturity towards education.


Thanks to all my teachers; Mrs Chua for being the best English teacher around. Seriously, out of all the other English teachers, you're the most humble.
You've got patience. You've got a great sense of humour and understanding. Definitely, even though you're more specialized in Accountancy and could've had better job prospects, I really appreciate that you still remained as an English teacher and continued your passion for teaching.
And thank you for helping to support the little ladder that ultimately led me to grasp that A1 I've always wanted. I'm eternally indebted to you.
I'm sorry for sleeping through (some) of your classes and not handing up (some) of your work. I hope someday you'll find the heart to forgive me. Love you always!

Mr Roger Lim, you've been my teacher since Sec 2 and you're really one of the people that I am going to miss most.
For a teacher, you've definitely earned a large degree of my respect. You're a really caring and understanding person who can even take the hardest of jokes.
But you know how to maintain firm when time calls for it. You've made me more humble, more patient and socially-inclined with your positive demeanor. Truly, you're like one of my role models in life.
You've also made me realize that things change and we've got to accept them as they are. We can't ALWAYS have our way. Thanks for helping me advance one step in maturity.
And Deena, stfu hahaha.

Mr Rahman, you are one of the funnest, clumsiest, forgetful teacher I ever had. AND I LOVE YOU FOR THAT :D
You've also become somewhat my inspiration. You've showed us all that it takes strong will and determination to continue living, and I admire you for that. A lot.
Undoubtedly, you touched all our hearts with your life story. You really worked hard to support yourself and your parents, your sibling, and showed us the true spirit of being a teacher.
Because of you, I have also awakened the passion in me to become a teacher... just like you :)

Mdm Rohanah, I definitely had lots of fun knowing you better and all through the Mumbai Exchange Programme.
Though I must agree you're better as a parent/friend rather than a teacher, you are someone who is certainly fun to be around with, helpful during times of crisis and not to mention, a person who can be looked up to as a guru for personal advice.
Of course, I regret laughing at you randomly with Hidayah during class and causing mischief. You turned out to be a very nice person after all.

Mrs Yeoh, you are strangely someone whom I turned out to be fond of despite the fact that I do not like people with such a serious and fierce demeanor.
Out of everyone else, you're different, you make us fearful of you, you make us respect you, and also make us love you at the same time. You're like 4E5's motherly figure.
Your teaching methods have certainly got my approval, as the things you taught us have stayed in my head. And mostly, for good. I like that.
You're one of the teachers I definitely won't forget in the years to come, because you've made quite a large impact on my life. Thank you for that :)

Mr Latiff, your actions and jokes are kind of funny (although they can be lame at times).
Ultimately, you helped me achieve an A2 in D&T, it's my fault for neglecting your teachings else I would have grasped an A1. But you really helped us a lot.
Although you're quite antisocial and a tad diva at times, you're still a fun teacher to be taught by!
I'll miss you entering our class with your signature "All right D&T students can you please line up outside now" everytime. Classic mannnnn. (Y)

Miss Lau, I certainly do not regret giving you a second chance and not turning away (especially after you made us write some long sentence 200 times back in sec 1 although we didn't know you).
You turned out to be someone who's carefree, loving and generous.
Sorry if I might have fallen asleep during your lessons and stuff like that, but you have somewhat changed me for the better. One of your 'talks' really gave me a wake-up call about the important things in life.
For that, I thank you dearly.

To Cikgu Aida and Cikgu Jawahir (maybe) for teaching me Malay, despite the fact that I despise the language, really you've brought up some degree of interest in me towards it. Even though I didn't score as well, your efforts are always appreciated.
You've also taught me that I shouldn't be too complacent, to try my best and to appreciate what is already given. Most importantly, to still accept the fact that I am a Melayu even though I am not very fluent in my Mother Tongue.

To Mabel Cheong: I DIDN'T NEED YOUR TEACHINGS AND I DID WELL IN MATH TAKE THAT! (though i must credit you for the free exam papers you gave but mostly it was my own effort)
Ok I'll be nice and dedicate something for you too k.
Ummm you're a kind person when you're not a teacher. When you are, you suck.
And if you're contented with your looks, you should be happy without it, and not care what people say about it. Don't you think so?
:D

To Tan Woon Wee: You're going down, bitch.


So anyways... the moment I returned home (or rather, when the results were released), I was bombarded with messages, calls and congratulatory wishes from my loved ones.
That moment was the most important moment of my life, for it had made me become more humble and accept reality as it is.
For those who kept me in their prayers, I cannot express how grateful I am towards you. Really, you guys will forever be in my prayers as well :)
But honestly, I don't think I deserved the congratulatory gifts. Really, I don't think I have the right to accept them. I didn't do my best, I slacked, I could've done better. :(
My mom seems really happy with what I got, somehow. That adds to the fact that I feel really horrible right now.

But the main problem now is... which course I am going to join. That's a really fierce decision.

And you know how old people are. And their 'fixed' mindsets.
"As long as you enroll in a course related to IT or Engineering (or better yet, a junior college), then you have a secure future ahead of you."
My mom was all like "join IT/Engineering! If I were your mother-in-law and I found out you were from IT/Engineering I'd definitely let you marry my daughter"
and I was like o.o "No way".
She's been pestering me to take an Engineering course. But knowing that I have little passion for it and that I absolutely detest Math, I am currently hesitating.


What I want right now (and have passion for) is Mass Comm, but I'm kinda having second thoughts about it now. Sucks, right? :l
Anyways, thanks again to the people who pledged to support me and cheer me on no matter what decisions I make. Really guys, you're the best I can ever have.
:')

p/s to those mtherfckers who read this post just to find out my score, too bad. you gotta ask me personally.
p/s/s to those people who didn't make it, you don't have to care what people say about you. it's your life, you're paying for your own education, you are the pioneer of your own future. fuck what the others have to say and go on with life. shine with passion and emerge victorious :)

I am so afraid right now.
Really, everyone else is pretty much chilling out except me. Probably because they gave their "best" for all 4 years in school while I didn't? Sigh.
I guess I'm just gonna have to accept the fact that I got screwed hard by the English paper and again during the Math paper where I left two major questions entirely blank.
But I know that I did my very best (sort of) for the Math paper and I wasted away the Humanities papers (both of them) by itself through paying minimal attention to it.
(there is still hope for math but humanities is definitely a sure-fail, period)


It's all mixed feelings right now.
I'm anxious, nervous, excited, and fearful.
It's one of the most unhealthiest combinations in the most dangerously concentrated doses I've ever had in my entire life... literally.
They say too much of this isn't good for you. But what the heck. It's not like I can control it.

How do I put this in words...

I want to know how well (or horribly, rather) I performed, but at the same time I'd prefer to not know that I had failed myself, my family, my friends, and possibly my dreams.
For the entire day, all that has been going through my mind is 'O' levels, past memories, 'O' levels, the possible career opportunities for me, 'O' levels, my deteriorating health, 'O' levels, hopelessness...
Oh, the suspense is killing me.


At this point I just want to know whether I failed and forfeited the competition, or have the potential to stay in the game and push further.
Really, if I failed, I'm out of the competition with my smart-ass cousins. If I succeed, I may actually carry the potential to continue competing with them.
While it would be a relief to have the burden taken off my back, I'd also feel really horrible because I know that I could've done better than that.
I don't deserve to be in my dad's bloodline. I'm not as smart and hardworking as they are.
Yes I admit, I've been lazy. I AM LAZY. Lazy-ass Fifi.


I've even tried putting my mind in enjoying a game of Granado Espada (hence my absence these past few days/week), but at this point in time even that isn't enough to soothe my tattered heart's condition.
Even binging doesn't really work anymore. I've lost my appetite already.
Zairul tried to pull me into smoking (hahaha you ass), but no there are better ways to die than through smoking. And as if I don't look ugly enough. I wouldn't wanna spoil my looks any further. It's definitely a no-no. People who smoke because of stress are stupid.
(no offence zairul, you smoke because you like it)
If you want me to describe how I feel like inside, I can say that the sensation is like someone ripping out my innards into shreds, and then putting it back together only to repeat the process again and again.
I feel so vulnerable right now, had a total of three emotional breakdowns throughout the day.
I had never ever thought I was capable of unleashing these emotions under such instances.
Why didn't a similar scenario take place during PSLE? Because I didn't take it seriously and now I am? Gee, the irony.
So I guess that for now, the only ideal approach is to pray hard.


Someone... please take this new breed of stress away.
Hoes, friends and family, thanks for the moral support you've given me.
I really needed that a lot. Thanks to everyone who prayed for my success.
May your souls be protected by the mercy of the Most Benevolent and the angels who serve him.

Let this monologue be a constant reminder to never neglect my innermost desires.

Starting from today, I shall make an effort!

...after I finish this box of chocolates my aunt got me.

Remember last year's resolutions?
Well, for one, I am very proud to announce that I have fulfilled six out of eight I wrote down.
(what a bummer i didn't give it my best for my 'o's. i guess that academically, i'm just not driven)

But yeah, I guess I'm pretty much glad that the year is all over and done with.
From now onwards, everyone will be taking one giant leap ahead. 10 days from now, the results that would ultimately determine our absolute futures will be announced.
I'm half-psyched out and half- fearful, actually.
I know that I performed at the peak of my ability for the two language subjects and perhaps for Math, but the other subjects could have undergone further improvement.
Right now, with all the free time I have, I just wish that I could shift all this time back to the pre-'O' level period, and utilize it wisely.
...but oh wait, it's hopeless. I guess I'm just too distracted.


I'm thinking right now; provided I do not perform well for my 'O' levels, shall I just enroll in ITE and retake private 'O's? Retake it in Greenview? Or just move on to a course that I might not even like?
But really, that would be a major disappointment. I've got cousins who've enrolled in top-class institutions like Victoria School, VJC, NUS, some have even obtained their Master's.
I'm always the subject of comparison between them by my mom. But seriously, it's not fair. I was born with only half the intelligence. My dad's family is well-educated, and my mom's family is averagely-educated (or just lazy).
So I guess I'm the rounded up person. I have a little of my maternal wild child traits, often being ostracized by my paternal cousins because they're the "easygoing, sit-at-one-corner but still study and are damn smart" kind.
And having my paternal intelligence, I guess I'm looked up to in my maternal family. But I'm also ostracized in the sense that I'm not as wild-child or talkative like the rest of my maternal cousins.
All that and yada yada. I'm sure all of you get what I mean.


But despite all that, I still believe that even a degree can be equivalent to NOTHING when there is no passion in whatever you do.
Let's face it -- even if you're damn smart, without passion you'll go nowhere.
I guess that my dad is my motivation. He's smart but lazy (like me), and back in the old days he struggled through his Poly years and graduated with a Diploma I think (?)
As far as I know, he has no degree.
Yet where has his passion for computers got him now? He may not be as rich as Bill Gates but I'm just grateful that he's able to raise a well-to-do family.
(fyi we're not as rich as you people think we are. maybe it's because we don't own a car and i so happen to be the only child; that's why i may seem like i've got so much money but the fact is, i'm like every one of you out there -- just a middle-class family living in urban singapore. so stop claiming i'm rich as if you know about my family's financial stability)